You're Better off Without me than Dead
by deathbysharpie
Summary: Mello is about to leave Wammy's to catch Kira, but he faces the dilemma of taking Matt with him or leaving him there for his own saftey. He confesses his undying love for Matt, fluffy fluff fluff, yadayadaya


**A/N: **

**Disclaimer: **I do not (despite my wildest fantasies! Oh!) own Death Note.

**Warnings: **angst, fluff-boyXboy – It would be a wise idea to leave now if this does not suit your beliefs.

THIS STORY IS FLUFFIER THAN AN ALPACA LOLWUT

**So, um.**

**Hallo thar. This is my first fanfiction on this website, but indubitably not my first fanfiction por lo general. I wrote this about half a year ago, which explains the slightly poor writing quality. (I promise stories will be better from here on out.) Please point out any grammatical errors, I promise not to be offended! Also, I am very new to (and feeling like an idiot about it) but I can tell the difference between critique/constructive criticism and a flame. Please do not engage in the latter, although I do encourage reviews! Thank you.**

**Also, paragraphs are my worst enemy. -hiss-  
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Mello sat with his knees to his chest, one arm wrapped loosely around his leather-clad legs, and the other resting right above the worn out leather of his boot, holding a rather small, square shaped photograph.

His head rested on his knees, his face half covered, and his short blonde hair whipped around wildly from the autumn wind.

He was sitting on a picnic table at the Wammy Orphanage playground, skipping lunch again as he had been doing regularly for the past month or so. Things were getting harder to deal with. His competition with Near was deepening, as was his hatred for the wretched boy. And he wanted to be able to work on the Kira case on his own, because no matter how many times Near had outdone him, he knew he could beat him to capturing Kira. He had the determination it took to capture a serial killer like that.

And then, there was the only thing that was keeping him from leaving the orphanage.

The red-headed gamer with goggles who was always smoking. His best friend. The kid in the picture that he held between his cold fingers.

Matt.

He…was in love with Matt. He was in love with his best friend. And it was his biggest soft spot.

First of all, the most prominent problem was, would he ever be able to see Matt again if he left?

He had considered many things, like taking Matt with him if he left the orphanage. After all, Matt was his best friend in the world. He would probably go with him if Mello asked him too. But he really cared about Matt, and he didn't want to force him into anything.

And then, there were other things.

If Matt did go with him, what if something happened to him? He couldn't bear to lose Matt. Ever. He would never forgive himself for endangering his best friend, and the love of his life. And with the life he planned to pursue, if his enemies found out about his friend, it would furnish a weak spot that they could take advantage of.

Mello let out a long shaky breath as a particularly cold gust of wind blasted past his chilled ears.

He lifted the photograph up with a trembling hand –perhaps not just from the cold- and stroked it with his other hand, clenching his jaw tightly to hold back the tears that threatened to fall from his glassy eyes.

He sniffed lightly as his slightly red nose protested about being in the cold weather.

Suddenly a warm, gloved hand clamped on his shoulder, sending an electric jolt through his body.

"Hey Mels." A familiar voice said, while it's owner clambered up on the table with heavy combat boots.

Mello quickly shoved the picture in the pocket of his leather jacket, wiping fiercely at his eyes before dropping his legs to the seat and leaning forward in his trademark slouching position.

"H-hey Matt." Mello said quietly, looking down at his hands as he wrung them together nervously.

_Damn._

Matt tilted his head, setting his gameboy down on the table as he shifted his unlit cigarette to the other side of his mouth.

Mello was surprised; it was very rare for Matt to stop playing, even for a short while.

The sound of the plastic clacking against the wood of the old rickety table was somewhat forbidding, leaving a painful silence behind that even the harsh gusts of fall wind could not penetrate.

Even Matt seemed to notice it as he cleared his throat, scrunching his shoulders up and looking down.

Mello knew there had to be a reason, though. Matt didn't just put his gaming system down for any reason. And he had a good idea of what was about to transpire.

"So…Mello…you've been missing lunch a lot lately…" Matt said quietly, a trifle shyer than his usual optimistic and loud self.

Mello saw no reason for Matt to know what was going on at the moment.

"Yeah. So?" He grunted flatly, automatically pulling his half-eaten chocolate bar out of his pocket at the mention of food.

He ripped off a chunk with his teeth and chomped on it angrily, staring straight at the bleak gray sky.

Matt furrowed his eyebrows and chewed lightly on his cigarette. Mello could tell he wanted to just pick up his gameboy and drop the conversation. But for some reason, he held fast and did not succumb to his temptations.

"So, why? Are you mad at me or something? I mean, you barely talk to me anymore!" Matt said, his voice rising in pitch a bit and scratching as he finished off, lifting his arms up a bit.

Mello looked up in surprise, swallowing part of his chocolate. What was Matt's deal? He knew Mello had his days, he knew Mello liked to be alone sometimes…

He returned his gaze forward, his stomach turning a bit as he put away his chocolate and took a deep breath.

"You'd know if I was mad at you, Matt. God, don't be stupid. It's nothing, ok? I just felt like being by myself for a little bit." Mello trailed off, tasting thick lies on his tongue and resisting the urge to gag.

The picture of Matt felt like it was burning through his pocket…

He heard Matt sigh. Then his friend did something totally unexpected. Matt returned his hand to Mello's shoulder, forcibly turning Mello to look at him. Mello's mouth fell open in shock, anger lining his features.

"Matt, what the he-"

"Listen Mello." Matt interrupted him, with a harsh, rough voice that Mello rarely heard, and it shut him up. "Am I your best friend?"

"Of course you are, stup-" Mello started, getting angry.

"If I'm your best friend-" Matt interrupted his friend, his grip tightening slightly on Mello's shoulder. "Then why do you keep all these secrets from me? I trust you with EVERYTHING Mels, and I feel like you used to trust me, but I'm not even sure how many secrets you're keeping from me now. You're out here all the time, and you never tell me why. And don't pretend like I haven't noticed how distant you've been getting!"

Matt squeezed Mello's shoulder again, sending sparks flying through Mello's body.

He put his head down, letting his red hair fall into his face as he finished his rant. He had started yelling at the end, and Mello knew Matt didn't yell for a lot of things.

Matt looked up, his expression completely unreadable.

"Don't you trust me, Mello?" he whispered hoarsely, and Mello realized with a gut-wrenching blow to the stomach that he had nearly made his best friend cry.

His heart about broke when he saw Matt's expression, and he could no longer feel angry.

He felt angry with himself, though. He felt selfish and greedy and so terrible. No matter what choice he went with, he would just end up hurting Matt.

"Look, I…" Mello choked out weakly, the sound being carried away with the wind.

He stared at the ground intently, and then looked up into Matt's eyes.

He could tell Matt. But then he'd have to tell Matt everything. And he didn't want Matt to know everything. Because if Matt knew how Mello really felt about him, he might not treat him the same way.

But Matt was his best friend. He trusted him with his life. So why couldn't he trust him with this?

"Mello. You can trust me. Please, just tell me." Matt said, swallowing and curling his fingers around his friend's thin shoulder.

Mello shivered a little bit at the touch, looking up weakly at his friend.

"I-I…" he started, feeling his heart race and his cheeks flush, getting slightly light-headed.

Matt looked at him intently, a comforting look in his eyes, urging his friend on.

"I promise…I'll tell you t-tonight, ok?" Mello choked, looking down in shame as his stomach did flips.

He saw Matt's expression drop. Well, too bad. The fact that he was telling him was already…

Mello felt his queasiness increase as he regarded the situation at hand. He didn't know if he could do it.

"Fine."

Mello looked up in surprise to see Matt looking down, a slightly sullen expression on his face.

"Fine, Mello. But you better not be lying. I want to know what the hell's going on!" Matt said, his face looked pained.

Mello gritted his teeth and sighed.

"Yeah, whatever." He said, bringing his legs up to his chest and deciding that he no longer wished to converse with Matt at the moment.

Matt sighed and jumped off the table, swiping his gameboy up and stalking away. His footfalls were covered by the heavy wind, so Mello couldn't hear him walk away, into the Wammy house.

But he knew he was gone. And he knew he could let the pathetic, shameful, disgusting tears fall from his eyes that had been tempting him the entire time.

He jumped off the table and screamed, pulling at his hair as the hot tears fell down his face. He hated himself. He couldn't do anything right. It was a disaster in the making. Mello sunk to his knees, his hands shaking in fists as the final sobs ripped from his chest, being smothered by the autumn air.

--

Mello paced back in forth in front of the small window in the room that him and Matt shared.

Matt was still eating dinner with the rest of the kids. Mello had gotten so nervous that he had decided to skip dinner too. It was just him and his chocolate…perhaps it wasn't healthy; but he really couldn't eat anything else at the moment.

He reviewed in his head what he was going to say.

Matt, I need to leave the Wammy House. I'm going to catch Kira, and I'm going to do it without Near. I need to do this.

The only thing he was debating now…was whether or not he should ask Matt to come.

He desperately wanted Matt to come. But he didn't want to endanger him in any way.

He had no idea what to do.

He slammed his fists down on the dusty white windowsill, panting and holding back sobs as he clenched his teeth in frustration.

"Mels…?" a soft voice came from the doorway, and Mello froze.

"Are you okay?" Matt continued, walking forward. Mello didn't turn around, but rather stayed glued in place, biting on his tongue hard.

Matt came up right behind him. Mello shivered as he felt the slight body heat radiating off his friend, and smelled the thick aroma of Matt's cigarettes and cinnamon.

"So…are you going to tell me now, Mello?" Matt said, his tone edging on annoyance.

_You idiot…_Mello thought, biting his lip and closing his eyes.

He turned around and pushed past Matt, going over to stand by the bed, his back facing Matt again. He didn't want his friend to see it if his emotions ended up getting the best of him.

"I…I need to leave the Wammy House. I'm g-going to catch Kira, without Near. I n-need to do this." Mello attempted at verbatim of what was in his head, his breath catching in several places.

He heard a light chuckle, and whipped his head around in surprise.

"What's so funny, douchebag?" he shot angrily, his eyes frustrated and confused as he took in Matt's smirk.

"Nothing, it's just, that's it? I mean haven't you wanted to leave like, forever?" Matt said, raising an eyebrow and popping a new unlit cigarette in his mouth.

"Well yeah, but…" Mello trailed off. Did he really want to tell Matt? He couldn't seem to get up the courage to do so.

"So, when are we leaving?" Matt said cheerfully, lighting his cigarette and looking over at Mello.

Mello turned back around, rubbing the back of his neck.

Here it comes.

"Matt…we're not…it's just…me…" Mello said slowly, biting his lip and closing his eyes, feeling Matt's stare burn holes in the back of his head.

"WHAT? You're kidding, right Mello? Are you seriously gonna leave me behind in this shithole? After all I've done for you? Gee thanks! Glad to know I'm loved!" Matt shouted, throwing his arms up and bearing an expression of utter disgust.

"Matt! It's not like that!" Mello yelled desperately, whipping around and running up to his friend. "I wouldn't leave you here if I didn't have a good reason! Just accept it!" He shouted, crossing his arms and grimacing.

"No Mello! I'm not gonna fucking accept it! YOU'RE LEAVING ME HERE! What the hell could possibly be a good reason for that?!" Matt yelled shamelessly, completely unafraid of the slap or punch he might have normally received for yelling at Mello.

"AAAGH! Dammit Matt, just…just…shut up! You don't know anything about how I'm feeling! I know what I'm doing is right, ok?!" Mello spat, his fists shaking from rage.

Matt needed to just shut up. He was going to make it worse. So much worse.

"No! I won't shut up! And the reason I don't know anything is because YOU WON'T TELL ME ANYTHING!" Matt yelled back, stepping closer to Mello and throwing his arms around wildly. "Why is it right Mello? Why? Why do you have to leave me here, huh? WHY?"

"I can't tell you!" Mello screamed.

"Yes you can! I need a fucking good reason why I should stay here while you go out and play fucking grownup, Mello!"

"Shut the hell up Matt!"

"No! Tell me why!"

"No!"

"WHY?!"

"NO!"

"WHY?!"

"BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!" Mello screamed, immediately regretting his outburst.

"Oh god…" he whispered, turning away from Matt and hunching over, covering his mouth in disbelief, his eyes wide as he felt all the chocolate he had eaten before prepare to leave his stomach.

"Oh shit…fucking…oh my god…" Mello whispered under his breath, sitting on the bed facing away from Matt, still holding his hand over his mouth as if he had just breathed fire.

He blushed all the way up to his ears and his head spun slightly from the sudden rush of blood.

"R-really?" was the single word that Matt choked out, his face reading utter disbelief as a light red rose to his cheeks.

Mello bit his lip and sighed heavily. He had gotten the big thing out; he might as well say the rest.

"I d-don't want you to come with me b-because…working on the Kira case is going to be v-very dangerous. A-and…I don't want you to get hurt, Matt. B-because I love you." He whispered the last part, his lip quivering as he struggled to hold back tears.

"Mello…" Matt started, walking towards the blonde.

"I know, it's just fucking stupid. I know you fucking hate me now." Mello said, waving it off as he stared miserably at his feet.

He gasped suddenly as stripe clad arms were wrapped around him tightly, encasing him in a hug.

"M-Matt, stop it, I-"

"Mello." Matt interrupted, using one to gently grab Mello's chin and turn it towards him.

"Anywhere you go, anything you do, anyone you kill, I will be there with you. So if you're leaving the Wammy House, I'm going with you. And there's nothing you can do about it. Because I love you too."

Mello's eyes widened. He opened his mouth for a response but was cut off as Matt's lips met his own gently, kissing him lightly while his arms moved to Mello's waist.

Mello kissed back more passionately, moving his hand to Matt's neck and threading his fingers with Matt's other hand. A traitorous whimper escaped his lips as the redhead hummed happily against them.

He pulled back slightly, holding Matt's face between his hands.

"If you get hurt…I wouldn't be able to live with myself…" he trailed off, swallowing.

"Mello, we're a team. You can't get rid of me that easy." Matt grinned, leaning in and planting a kiss on Mello's lips.

"I guess not." Mello sighed, giving in and wrapping his arms around the redhead.


End file.
